Musca domestica

musca domestica. The common house fly. My arch nemesis. My mortal enemy. The root of all evil. The vermin of the insect world.

"The housefly (also house fly, house-fly or common housefly), Musca domestica, is the most common of all flies fluttering in homes, and indeed one of the most widely distributed insects; it is often considered a pest that can carry serious diseases." That is the introduction used on wikipedia.com. Truer words hath not ever been spoken, by human nor beast.

If you have not gathered it yet, from lack of schema or common sense etc, today's featured rant will be about flies. Flies. Make. Me. Want. To. Tip. Mah. Hair. Out. Forcefully. By. The. Follicles.

My house does not have air-conditioning. Good for global warming, bad for my sweat glands. So, in order to cool our house down in the summer we must keep the screen door open all day and the windows, etc. We also keep the door to the shop connected to our house open all day, as well as the door that leads from the shop to the house open. Which obviously is totally asking for it, as far as bugs getting in. But sacrifices must be made in order to cool off when you have parents for some reason adamant against getting air conditioning (*mocking high pitched squealing voice while screwing face up in disgust* "It's too expensive!"). Thus, flies flock to the inside of our house. And for some reason they ALWAYS find their way up to my room. I'll leave my door, which is normally closed, open for 5 minutes and I'll come back to my room and BOOM there will be like 5 giant nasty flies buzzing around my room obnoxiously.

I HATE FLIES.

So, lately, I've become fed up, obviously with good reason. So one night a fly that had been trapped in my room for the whole day and was becoming quite sluggish and slow and weary landed on the floor. I pounced at the opportunity. I quickly but stealthily snatched one of my black and white checkered vans that I had just received for my birthday a few days prior and I SLAMMED the shoe down on the fly, I moved at the speed of light. I was like fricking Chuck Norris killing those damned flies. BAM. Dead. I did a little celebratory jig. That was the start of it all. Since that fateful day, I have killed many a fly wanderer. 6 to be exact. I wait patiently until the fly's HP has been worn down to a sliver, and then I STRIKE with shoe in hand. I'm so proud of myself you don't even know..

I have since dubbed myself the FLY ASSASSIN!!!!!!!! I'm gonna be famous. I totally am. I'll be a world famous fly exterminator. I guess that's not exactly a proud title, but of course it will not be the only amazing thing on my resume. ;)

You know flies make me totally crazy, anyways. That is what I was getting to but my ADD has rendered me incapable of staying on track, as you will learn. Heh. Flies are totally scum, really. If a fly was a person I would beat them senseless with a pillowcase filled with soap bars. And then they'd lie on the floor whimpering for me to have mercy on them and I would laugh maniacally and spit on them. Then I'd slam the soap bag down on it's head and run off, still laughing hysterically. Like a damned crazy person. And I would totally and completely LOOOOOOOVE IT. Not even kidding. I would revel in torturing a poor helpless fly. You know my sister once said that flies aren't as bad as like spiders because they don't bite you or crawl into your mouth while you're sleeping or whatever, but they are covered in germs, are completely useless to the world/are not beneficial in any way (and if they DO serve some purpose, PLEASE TELL ME NOW and my opinion might change. Probably not but it'd at least give me some you know, leverage on the whole thing), carry diseases and most of all THEY BUZZ. buzzzbuzzbuzzbuzzbuzzfrickinBUZZZZZ. OMG you have no idea how psycho those vermin-insects make me. Today I killed one on my window sill and I laughed like a freaking serial killer or summat whatever. Anyways. Heh.

I can totally just picture it when they give me my movie deal for being a totally amazing Fly Assassin. I can just see it-the words FLY ASSASSIN in some really cool font zooming in and then me zooming in, posed all awesome like brandishing my weapon of choice, a checkered van or worn out converse or something. It is gonna be so totally wicked you have no idea. I'mma make millions of dollars from that movie, along with any other things that I might have as part of my big giant like corporation or whatever it's called (That's not the right word. I couldn't think of the right word- I seriously sat here trying to think of it for like 5 minutes not even kidding O_o).

Well...I pretty much am done with this lecture. You better go see my movie or I'mma hunt you down. Because I know that if it anything near as awesome as this blog, heh, then it'll be like the Titanic of the year that it comes out (that is information I cannot disclose to you because..heh well then I'd have to kill you; you don't want to pay the consequences there are for that information trust me). You know of course if they still have time for movies and all then because if civilization collapses then I guess they wouldn't have movie theatres. Or if the year ends in 2012 then that is obviously too soon. Or if Al Gore takes over the world then he'll probably take away entertainment because he'll find some indirect but terrifying way in which it contributes to global warming. Or maybe we'll succumb to global warming by then. Who knows. :) Good luck to you, as I will have a spaceship to some other galaxy that has an Earth-like planet. Heh.

Thanks for sticking around so long if you're still reading. I know it'd be hard to tear your eyes away from my amazing blog. :D

Love,

Colloquial Cameo